The worst thing about my current situation is that it was all my fault.
Rejection. The one word in the english language that carries emotional weight. The one word we all share the same fear of.
Yet, it plagues everything we do from the moment we are born.
Rejection goes hand in hand with judgment. Judgement of whether we are good enough for the job, the university, that boy, the program, the contest, the mortgage etc.
Judgement creeps into every day of our lives. Judgment is what holds us back, what can cause us to freeze, what can determine the future.
We are all judging.
Judgement also has two outcomes, acceptance or rejection.
Not much thought is giving to acceptance except pure joy. There is nothing wrong with joy. It is the best feeling anyone can feel.
Rejection is the disease. The one that comes with a truckload of negative emotions.
Defeat, sadness, frustration, guilt, shame. It even loops back to judgment of one's self.
I was judged and rejected, and it didn't matter what I had judged the situation to be.
So, I sat for the past few days in a roller coaster of emotions. Praying that the negative baggage would disappear, and I could move forward. There were moments when I did, and I had hopes for the future.
But it all just came crashing down at once. One moment, everything was great. I had acceptance, the judgment forces were in my favor. But in a matter of three days, that radiant energy was destroyed.
Then came the moments when I just needed to cry. Is there something wrong with that?
I can't let the "no," the rejection and the feelings take over. It's cliche, but when on door closes, others do open, even if multiple doors have been closed and you are left with nothing.
Furthermore, energy cannot be created or destroyed. That's the first thing we all learn in physics. So there is still that radiant energy somewhere inside me. I just have to move on from the negative, and ask God for strength and assurance.
When the answer is no, all we can do is move forward. It's okay to cry a little, but it is a sign that something better is coming.
When there is judgment, there is hope.